Star Wars

Well...sold my star wars stuff for £100...had put it on for £150...the lady offered me £100...knew I could have haggled but I didn't want to....it was for her son...his birthday and Christmas sorted for 2012...I am glad....means it gets used...didn't seem like she was having me on...she was excited...bet she does not let him play with them...her and her hubby will probably use it all the time!!!

So, another box away from the spare room. Apart from the fire...and possibly a few paintings...I think that is all that can be moved...almost at the point where it can go to a smaller storage unit...which means I can decorate the second bedroom...or have it done for me.

Also received another cheque for the roof work in Perth...leaving only one left....excellent...hope that comes through soon. More so that it can be done and dusted and yet another outstanding issue from last year resolved and signed off...then move on...that is all I want to do really...move on...in a positive way....all reminds me of a difficult time...I don't want that and neither would dad...so..let's get it done!!

chip chipping away...will sort it in the end..I always do it would seem.

Piffle

Back after the show....legs were sore walking up the hill...after swim this am...but then I did have a few hours kip after that as well.

Hmmmm...looking forward to not do the show. Will try and have guests in every week...keep it fresh to the end. Looking forward to normality...well...as normal as it gets.

More stuff repacked....and other to the charity shop...shaping up.

Time will tell.

Stink

OMG...I seriously stink!!!....dried out my tops from yesterday and put them back on to day..and sweated...now I smell terribly...and also we have been shovelling some decomposed grass which looked and smelled like poo....so ready for home but staying here to make sure Louise is safe...imagine...a client meeting when everyone has gone...can't have that.

So...I feel OK...sure I will kip when I get home today but I made it and feel not too bad!!!! Now for a relaxing evening and then swim tomorrow morning...after food shop..woop woop...rock and roll!!

Done

Almost there

1st week back almost finished...phew!!!

Was a bit concerned yesterday...new team new challenges...and indeed there are more new folk supposed to turn up today..could I have a full squad?!!!!!...crivens!!!! I was really worried I wouldn't be able to complete the full day after how I have been feeling but we went slow and steady...and were well sustained with teas, soup and biccies!!!!....and we did it...just hope we can get to it today without the stuff being burned!!!

Then the weekend. Swimming, food shopping then office to sift through more stuff...make myself more portable...the target being it only leaves me the task of scanning all the old posters and suchlike so they can be recycled. That will be that. Then traying up the stuff here for charity..decided not to try and e bay the non collectable...give that to Cancer Research...and then move on to repack the rest...then start to e bay the collectables...or the ones I think are...then the show..then Monday!!!

The show will finish at the end of March. Feels good to have an end date. More portability.

Done

Deed Done

Well...that's it...decision made and agreed at SHMU. Will continue to the end of March and that will be the end of the music show. Way I was feeling this am it was apparent to me it had to be done....and the station manager was happy....bless....I do really hope that they do give the slot to a newbie...rather than someone who chops and changes what they want all the time.

New blood.

How will I feel on that last night?...I would really like Steve to come up and we can rock out...don't want to be morose and all weepy....hhmmm....tune to play....?...gotta be Rollins...."you're number is one"...live by it...die by it. Anyway, it felt right and what possibilities will come of it....what possibilities could have come from it had this decision been made earlier...too late for that..learn and move on.

I feel free.

Stronger

like lactic acid seeping out of my muscles...a clearer head...clearer limbs...better...but cautious.

Will try for a longer a walk tomorrow. No radio. No. Rest and a walk and some other things that need to be done.

I need to be well.

Another Day

...doing not a lot except sleeping and snoozing. Day time tv is soooooooooooooooo crap....cept homes under the hammer...of course.

Today I walked to the shops down the road and back...just to see how I felt....saw this old bloke....puffing and panting along the flat section of road....as I walked towards him...puffing and panting!!! Jesus.

Bumped into Jimbo...from the local community project...asked me if I wanted to go for some wine...said I was unwell...ok says he...bit more chat...then...see you in an hour at the bar...fecks sake Jimbo...can't you see ime ill!!...bless...he is a good lad....and then someone tried to thieve some wine...crikey...ah well...at least they served me before I collapsed.

Well...updates last night put my mind at rest...and today has been restful...now I have stuff to do tomorrow at the office....early to late....hope I can make it...needs to be done.

My volunteer...well...Simon's now I think....is out celebrating the passing of her Forest School exams...I was asked...but I can't....the shadow is back in my bones but it is going...feedback from SHMU...chat on Wednesday..but I can't see it going any other way than letting it go...I mean that in a positive way...I just feel it is time...so we shall see.

Tara

More Thinking

...and indeed decisions to make.

Past events come back to haunt and potentially stop any movement forward. Easiest way would be to recriminate but that is not for me...so we shall see what we can do.

Having the space to think..or more importantly...not being able to do anything other than think!!!....has helped me make possibly the scariest decision...the decision to think about the show...to leave or to stay?...and the decision to ask the station manager about it as well...so we shall see. Time to let another..more hungry...person in that slot...? Time to use that time for something else..?

Oh, I don't know.

Matters will move a step on later tonight.

Tara.

Time to think

I am sick. Sick sick sick. Not just the trip south..not just the emotional turmoil of the anniversary...or the emotional turmoil of thinking what has happened to me over the year since he died...other stuff as well.

I feel the raised level of self awareness I can see and recognise this. Stress from not knowing about the funding until last week...6 weeks before the funding runs out...and no payment for the last 12 months from CSO..do you see...no payment..a budget hole...and no commitment for the future...but expected to keep going...to keep chipper...to keep a face on...to stay strong...and now we still haven't received a payment and only verbal confirmation of commitment. It isn't good. Our management pushed since October...no response...none...total blank wall...what message does this send to us as a service and me as a person...not impressed.

And now...well...there seems to be a post in Edinburgh..put together by the guy who put together this one...up for grabs. Only for 24 months but then I am only "certain" for my post for 12 months. It seems a natural progression..a step up...project manager for Outdoor Woodland Learning...taking what I have learnt form the past four years and applying at a higher level. I have the experience required.

More than the career progression but also a return to what I left the office for. When the need to source funding took priority over content of the position we took the CSO money. Well, in theory anyway since we have received none to date. I don't think anyone realised it would take me away from the reason I started all this for. Yes, it covers outdoor learning..yes, it facilitates outdoor learning...yes, it has a huge positive impact on those that cannot do this themselves...BUT..as stated before...it isn't what I joined up for. The constant threat of violence...constantly having to dominate..to control...in order to achieve the end goal...is not fun and has a seeping detrimental effect on mind, body and soul. I am 40 this year and I can't see it getting any easier. I can't see operating at this level and in this environment until I retire. It is not what I want and it is not what I can do. Why should I when the treatment I receive from those I serve is a kick in the teeth?

If this post came to fruition and I can prove myself, it would be at project management level and could be a stepping stone but where to? Had enough of moving and had hoped to settle here but then Edinburgh is my home since Carnock is no longer. I felt so at ease wandering around on Saturday, so at home and back where I belong. Asked myself why?...knee jerk reaction?...rose tinted glasses...no...definitely not.

I stood at the grave and a feeling came over me...uncomfortable..why?...why now?...questions bubbled up...look at the last 12 months...what decisions come from what you have learned..?..what is important?...I made decisions...based on a feeling of self worth...decisions I should have made a while ago...and I have acted on them now. How much of a coincidence that I return to Aberdeen and e mail my old mentor/employer in Edinburgh (who I had contacted back in November after my return from Strathyre), then checked the website and as I was doing so, missed a call from the very same fella. The job was on and up for grabs...Michelle always says dad is looking after me....and it would seem so...or at least if not him then someone else. Too much of a coincidence really....and too much not to consider seriously.

Logistically, I can serve notice on the tenant in Edinburgh and then take on a letting agency here. This would only work if they would also take on the work and have me pay for it. I need to look into this.

Other considerations need to be checked as well.

So here I am thinking about it and sick. We shall see.

Tara

Ups and downs

Tired...physically and emotionally...long weekend....lots done....highs and lows....regrets....aspirations....done.

More to follow.

Tara

Long Week

Blimey...a long week almost over...came in this morning at 6am (!!!!!) to pre record for next week as I will be away at Fife for the first anniversary. Thought I would see how it would be that early...went fine...possibility to pre record and then have the full Sunday to myself. Was wanting to do it that way but not too sure now.

New regime. Since they took away my unmarked vehicle I am really reluctant to drive down here for the show...especially as the rear window is not blacked out yet!!!...so I walked down for the first time. All very exciting!!...I liked it...shall we see what it will be like walking back up the bastard hill and at 10.30 pm!! The health aspect may be compromised by the fact there is a Chinese, Indian and Pizza takeaway just up the road AND there is a fine boozer as well!!...need to stay away from them!

My knee is almost sorted so will be able to go back to the pool and start the gym....need to manage workload again...lots to do but so little time to do it in. Do miss it. Definitely the pool and jacuzzi.

Andy..guy I went to high school with and spent many hours boozing at Uni...his dad passed away this time last year...sure he said the 1st anniversary is on Friday...well...guess he is going through the same although dealing with it in his own style.

I am keeping myself ready for an overwhelming wave of emotion but feel pretty stable. Like he is here with me. Sure there will be moments on Sunday but that will be fine. Good to be there.

Tara.

Coming Up

The date comes closer and how do I feel...I think I feel OK...I am not upset...jusr feel quietly contemplative. Finances are always an issue as this is the first month of full direct debits and such like...well...it isn't that bad but I always try to save money....I am fine...just a culture change...but am fully aware it is not like Gourdon..for a number of reasons.,..so can be settled within that.

So this weekend I am working, pre recording and going live...and also need to book car, hotel and sort flowers...so..no saving this month but looking forward to seeing the head stone. Mich is texting regularly and calling...making sure I am ok...but I think it might also be because she is not.

I also need to make a move on the small claims court...2 properties still to pay....a year after the initial letters....I am quietly confident, however, as the other flats have agreed the repair was communal and have stumped up the money so the hassle of reading up and submitting the claim and the fee of £60 (ish) will be worth bringing in a net amount of £470...so definitely need to move that on...for closure and for financial reasons.

My health has improved...not so MEish....which is good...but my knee is still iffy...should be healed by next week..which is good....so I can get back on the David Lloyd trip...woop woop.

This has been an exceptionally hard week at work...2 long days (13 hours each) and working on Saturday with the pre record on Sunday am as well...but after that things will settle down....and be managed more as well...which is a good thing.

I have been thinking about the show on a Sunday...maybe giving it up...but then thinking how I feel after the show....even the next day...buzzing....but going down there in the evening does interrupt the weekend....at a time when I should be chilling...organising...or swimming...I am down there...so will see how going to the studio at 6 am feels and then...if ok...see if I can do it regularly...and have it uploaded....we shall see.

Tara