Why no post?

Been trying to figure this one out...why was it so important before as I travelled round...but not so now...even though I am still "travelling"....job wise...personalywise....hhmmmmmm...not quite sure. Is it cos I have been busy running around...being single again and recuperating...I don't know...maybe I need to knuckle down and make sure I post once a week...it is for me after all...in my dotage. Right now....fatigue is the life....even after 4 days off....feel like flu....but still able to move about. I think it is a change in body chemistry....at least in part....a decrease in caffeine content in the morning...bearing in mind I have been drinking very strong coffee since I was about 26...to reduce the strain on my heart and the physical effects therein....plus reducing my alcohol consumption...at long last I hear you cry...sometimes not the best results but I am trying....and that has been since I was 18...plus the work.....roll on the full switch over. I just wish it would get better quicker!!! Done

Self Understanding

I thought of many things...as I often do...next to dad's grave....of my aspirations for the future...my concerns...my understandings...of the past...regrets...pain...hurt...sadness. As usual, a sense of calm came over me and it was just like old times...the connection was there. My sadness and depression over the past few months was not all the usual anger and recrimination that comes after a break up...no...it was that I had wished for myself and the boy to have the same journey dad and I had...and I do mean all the usual ups and downs...that was taken away from me...even though I made the decision I still feel that it was the only decision I could make for myself based on behaviours and attitude...but I don't want to go over that really. I have to block out the thoughts of the boy or I am just back at square one....thankfully the dreams have passed. It has also come as a sad reality to me that the person I was meant to be with is the one I cannot be with. Every relationship since that one has been on the basis where that has been used as a bench mark. This is life I guess and that is that. So. Now I am making moves and investigations...out of town...out of society...and focus on me. I am iron man!!!! Done and done.

Def Time Off

Unheard of before...2 weeks back to back off on annual leave....hurrah! I need it...like...I really need it..to the point that it is so obvious to me that I cannot fail to notice. Having booked a hotel for last night I drove down to fife....no doing it in one day....a leisurely drive to Brechin...then Dunfermline...then hotel...then chat with an old chum...then cleaning up my grandparents gave in Rosyth...then to dads....then to dads next door neighbour for a wonderful afternoon of chat...then back up here...phew. 2 days rest then off to Skye...for some sight seeing but also a wee bit of helping out with my brushcutter..to work with the first senior ranger I ever worked with...again...a long drive there and back but at a leisurely pace....the journey is to be enjoyed....although I know I will be tired. Sitting there in the van while it rained...next to dads grave...dozing off and waking up....felt the connection again and his calming hand. Came to some conclusions on the past events....sad but had to be done....still hurting but will get through. Time to switch off and sit up. More to follow. Done and bloody done.

All Over

The post I never wanted to post.... Things came to a head over 4 weeks ago now....opinions not being accepted.....dismissed and swept aside...beliefs and experience the same.....can you continue to live in a relationship where you always have to think of the consequences of expressing yourself?...is it a healthy relationship when one partner effectively controls what is said and what can be discussed...the answer for me is a no....a strong partnership is one where you accept each other for who they are but offer opinions on ways...as a couple...the partnership can be developed and strengthened....we all change as time goes by. So that is is. My family...the first family I have had for many a year....has gone....readjusting to the new rythmn of life and coping with the loss...the loss of my partner and the loss of the boy I saw as my own son...all gone....anger...disappointment.....sadness...loss....difficult to deal with. However, I feel physically better...when I behave with diet and drinking...and apparently look better....a good nights sleep does me the world of good as does not living out of a rucksack. Slowly sorting the snagging bits of flat refurb....so enjoying my time in the flat...Ombudsman form arrived...and correct....sent off...so perhaps financialy I will be sound. All the while the sense of loss is in the background. having said that...if that is the only life challenge I have I feel very lucky. Done and done.

Tubes

Bloody hell...more bloody tubes.....the final phase...in more ways than one...up on Tullos....plus I have been given the task to make and install 4 benches....thing is I have never done this before I would have been more comfortable if I had some support but alas..everyone is fecking off on the school holidays....what a bummer...ah well...sure I will find a way....that is what Thursday is for....see what needs to be done and ordered...a final challenge in this post. Sniffling after the trip away last week...a week off apparently...lots done but a wee bit tired.....hoping it stays a sniffle and not develop as my diary is now rammed to the end of July. In one way it makes life easy as I now know what is going to happen for the next few weeks but on the other...oooft....like being on the road! Refurb has now finished....phew...not overly happy with some of the work done...or more to the point...the paint...but pretty good otherwise...only the overdraft to pay off now. Funny thing is....the plasterer spotted some cheeky moves from the electrician which I would never have spotted...one tradesmen snagging another...excellent...glad it is done and slowly putting stuff back....couldn't face it to be honest but it has been a few weeks...picked up a 80's media cabinet..sanded down then varnished up....need to cut a hole in the back then it will be moved here so it can house all my kit and hopefully have the cd shelves on top...phew...so hopefully that will work and then just a sofa to source...not looking forward to that either. Getting too old for this jiggery pokery. A new lodger?...perhaps... Garden looks good...so....someone cuts the grass....my mini orchard bed is now de weeded....looking respectable...pity about the dogs....and the neighbours...ah well...can't have it all. Done and done.

Burning Up!!

Last week I was strimming the coastal path....gloves on...helmet on....mesh visor on....having a tough time to get into my groove...Rob tells me he has avoided what he thought was Giant Hogweed...so..on I go and thrash them into submission...4 days later my face has a line of boils on them...my hands look like I am wearing a pair of red gloves....blistering and oozing....scraped off the dead skin...finally went to the docs and now have not so red hands but covered in crispy skin....gloves not long enough it would seem...lesson learned....steer clear of the hogweed! How embarrassing when out and about. I had my first session with a mainstream school group....a P1 group in Danestone doing minibeasting in the sun...so I was wrapped up and UV protected!...how enjoyable....an hour and a half of it...lovely.....but no hankering to stay put...done it for long enough...time to move on. Talking of which...will be a question of due process....keep calm and carry on....machinations in the background....mid July is the target in my head but we shall see what happens when it comes to being signed off!!! Today is our 1st anniversary...a year of ups and downs of family life but...apart from that....stability....acceptance...understanding...love....can't believe it has been a year....well...I can....just simply enjoyable...off today for a family outing with the missus...the kid...and the aunty...woop woop!!!! Done and done.

The sun is coming!!!

The sun is shining and it is warm...but for how long? Back at work but still feeling a bit shabby....tired....but then my diet isn't the best....although I have had a chat with someone about chronic fatigue and resting/pacing....the refurb must have something to do with it....must be stressful...even if I don't consciously feel it. Soon be finished although snagging with the electrics still required...discovered by the amazing plasterer...who has line my worktops using the solid oak left overs from the window....but the painting is all that is left for the decorators to do...I need to regel the bathroom....paint the bedroom white...figure out what to do with the kitchen units that look crap now due to the new paint...oh...and a repaint where the plasterer has chipped putting in the oak. Once done I hope things will be easier. Work on the new job profile continues apace and it will be down to process within hr and externally as well...this will decide the date of change. I am providing input when asked and keeping on with the job as we go...but not making plans too far in the future...a sense of freedom with that to be honest...looking for ways to improve my health in the interim...as I do not think falling asleep at my desk is acceptable in Kittybrewster. Exciting really but not to be too focussed on..keep on it and see what happens. For the first time in ever...I paid someone to cut my grass..nae bad for £25...good job and nice guy...not all of it though....I have plans for the wild section. we shall see. Good for every 3 weeks...should keep everyone happy...but I doubt it. Done and done.