Self Understanding

I thought of many things...as I often do...next to dad's grave....of my aspirations for the future...my concerns...my understandings...of the past...regrets...pain...hurt...sadness. As usual, a sense of calm came over me and it was just like old times...the connection was there. My sadness and depression over the past few months was not all the usual anger and recrimination that comes after a break up...no...it was that I had wished for myself and the boy to have the same journey dad and I had...and I do mean all the usual ups and downs...that was taken away from me...even though I made the decision I still feel that it was the only decision I could make for myself based on behaviours and attitude...but I don't want to go over that really. I have to block out the thoughts of the boy or I am just back at square one....thankfully the dreams have passed. It has also come as a sad reality to me that the person I was meant to be with is the one I cannot be with. Every relationship since that one has been on the basis where that has been used as a bench mark. This is life I guess and that is that. So. Now I am making moves and investigations...out of town...out of society...and focus on me. I am iron man!!!! Done and done.

Def Time Off

Unheard of before...2 weeks back to back off on annual leave....hurrah! I need it...like...I really need it..to the point that it is so obvious to me that I cannot fail to notice. Having booked a hotel for last night I drove down to fife....no doing it in one day....a leisurely drive to Brechin...then Dunfermline...then hotel...then chat with an old chum...then cleaning up my grandparents gave in Rosyth...then to dads....then to dads next door neighbour for a wonderful afternoon of chat...then back up here...phew. 2 days rest then off to Skye...for some sight seeing but also a wee bit of helping out with my brushcutter..to work with the first senior ranger I ever worked with...again...a long drive there and back but at a leisurely pace....the journey is to be enjoyed....although I know I will be tired. Sitting there in the van while it rained...next to dads grave...dozing off and waking up....felt the connection again and his calming hand. Came to some conclusions on the past events....sad but had to be done....still hurting but will get through. Time to switch off and sit up. More to follow. Done and bloody done.