Time to think

I am sick. Sick sick sick. Not just the trip south..not just the emotional turmoil of the anniversary...or the emotional turmoil of thinking what has happened to me over the year since he died...other stuff as well.

I feel the raised level of self awareness I can see and recognise this. Stress from not knowing about the funding until last week...6 weeks before the funding runs out...and no payment for the last 12 months from CSO..do you see...no payment..a budget hole...and no commitment for the future...but expected to keep going...to keep chipper...to keep a face on...to stay strong...and now we still haven't received a payment and only verbal confirmation of commitment. It isn't good. Our management pushed since October...no response...none...total blank wall...what message does this send to us as a service and me as a person...not impressed.

And now...well...there seems to be a post in Edinburgh..put together by the guy who put together this one...up for grabs. Only for 24 months but then I am only "certain" for my post for 12 months. It seems a natural progression..a step up...project manager for Outdoor Woodland Learning...taking what I have learnt form the past four years and applying at a higher level. I have the experience required.

More than the career progression but also a return to what I left the office for. When the need to source funding took priority over content of the position we took the CSO money. Well, in theory anyway since we have received none to date. I don't think anyone realised it would take me away from the reason I started all this for. Yes, it covers outdoor learning..yes, it facilitates outdoor learning...yes, it has a huge positive impact on those that cannot do this themselves...BUT..as stated before...it isn't what I joined up for. The constant threat of violence...constantly having to dominate..to control...in order to achieve the end goal...is not fun and has a seeping detrimental effect on mind, body and soul. I am 40 this year and I can't see it getting any easier. I can't see operating at this level and in this environment until I retire. It is not what I want and it is not what I can do. Why should I when the treatment I receive from those I serve is a kick in the teeth?

If this post came to fruition and I can prove myself, it would be at project management level and could be a stepping stone but where to? Had enough of moving and had hoped to settle here but then Edinburgh is my home since Carnock is no longer. I felt so at ease wandering around on Saturday, so at home and back where I belong. Asked myself why?...knee jerk reaction?...rose tinted glasses...no...definitely not.

I stood at the grave and a feeling came over me...uncomfortable..why?...why now?...questions bubbled up...look at the last 12 months...what decisions come from what you have learned..?..what is important?...I made decisions...based on a feeling of self worth...decisions I should have made a while ago...and I have acted on them now. How much of a coincidence that I return to Aberdeen and e mail my old mentor/employer in Edinburgh (who I had contacted back in November after my return from Strathyre), then checked the website and as I was doing so, missed a call from the very same fella. The job was on and up for grabs...Michelle always says dad is looking after me....and it would seem so...or at least if not him then someone else. Too much of a coincidence really....and too much not to consider seriously.

Logistically, I can serve notice on the tenant in Edinburgh and then take on a letting agency here. This would only work if they would also take on the work and have me pay for it. I need to look into this.

Other considerations need to be checked as well.

So here I am thinking about it and sick. We shall see.

Tara