Day Zero

I guess it is going to be best for me if I see today as that.

Back from Chorus with 19th place out of 35...which I think is very good although some were expecting a higher jump from 21st out of 39 last year. Looking at the scores, however, you can see there is only 1% difference between 19th and 12th..so all to play for next year...which some of the guys are talking about already!!! Me?...I am taking a break for a bit...to have been focussed on that plus my dad's stuff plus my work has been extremely difficult to manage and (part of the explanation not an excuse) has played a huge part in recent events. Enjoyable...yes....back to practise tonight...no. Had a wobbly on the way back as everyone was calling their wives and partners...no one for me...not pity....just a bit disconcerting..back to reality..well...as it is now. Speaking to both Wendy and Michelle...both understand....say it will pass and tomorrow will be better...I know it but it doesn't make it any easier...same the world over isn't it?

Interesting feeling for me...Louise sent me an e mail syaing dad would not want the tasks he gave me to take over my world and affect it....unfortunately that has come too late BUT I also have to continue to do the job right now otherwise it will still be there in months to come...wonder how I will feel when I go back tonight or tomorrow...all my childhood still in that container.

It was interesting to be involved in a "team" activity..although I like being around folk...as a ranger...your tendancy is to be on your own or with small groups...hanging about with 40 fellas and their partners does not constitute this...was nice to be part of a group....the camaraderie....the team effort...nice to have some time away....I took the opportunity to speak to Brian's wife...friends of mine from other work...about my situation...nice to hear her perspective as someone who has been with same person for 30 odd years..and be honest about my part in the situation...I appreciated that...good Yorkshire fowk..changing in a big arena hall with everyone else around you was a culture shock..as was walking onto stage in front of about a thousand folk...pics on the website I believe. There was much merriment to be had as well...but I was not partaking as much as everyone else...the afterglow wnet on until about 3 am or 4 am for some....casualties on the bus!!! Southport for next year I believe...but I don't want to think about that just now....my bank balance is still reeling from this one!!..although the hotel package was ace...breakfast, bed and dinner....3 nights...about £180.00...excellent...although the place was definitely like Fawlty Towers!!!!..nice experience...nice people...back home now though.

SURF's up..apparently....meetings today..plus a bit of telephoning around...me and the consultant have given ourselves a seriously short time scale to organise a few events..one at the end of June...so there is a huge amount to do!!

Have been in communication with our overall boss about contracts and suchlike...he ahs come back saying it is all to do with the money...which we understood anyway...but it is a stress to know we need to be scrabbling around for the funds already...when looking to Next March...had a chat with Kevin regarding CSO and there are a few interesting things going on for the future..am I a Ranger now?...does my post resemble anything like one?...some woukld say no...and I am not sure if I would disagree with them. So, should I go with the flow and follow the money...if it still allows me to do a job I like?...athough not like I expected when I started on this path...stick to the current situation?...where I never know what ius happening year to year...and live with the stress from that...which has an impact on my private life?..the other option is a bit more extreme but one that has been running around my head for a while...why dn't I just find something else and leave Aberdeen?

Part of me thinks this is running away..and I can't do that anyway just now....same issues somewhere else...part of me thinks....I was happy in Strathyre...I liked going back to my flat in Edinburgh...all my old classmates are there....closer to other friends as well...I have friends here...my job is fine...but...it is not a place of hope and intrigue for me anymore....too many memories...too many negative times...wasted times I suppose...I might ask Kevin about the possibility of transferring to Edinburgh...see if the new proposed structure here...which is running there...might absorb me..network with the ranger service there....all this is rumination...but I have to think about it....can't wait for it to come to me...always good to be proactive.

It feels good to be able to talk to you again old friend...my blogspot....I missed you...even if it is that you listen without judgement and qestion to my ramblings...this is therapy in itself...letting it out...while being careful not to offend. I do hope I am never away as long as the last time.

The sun is shining..the virds are singing...life goes on and I am glad to be a part of it...even when it hurts.

Tara for now.

Competition Time

Well, as you can see...there is a comment below about actions and reactions...since that comment I have corresponded with that person....I totally agree my actions were not the best and was going to write about it on the blog then decidied that it was not the most appropriate place to do so....I think I will leave it at that.

Up early and life goes on..competition time!!! What an exciting opportunity....off to Wales to sing at a Barbershop Convention...I do hope to have some time to myself and go for a walk...one of the guys at CSO comes from there and has said to ignore the trams and walk over the Orm to the west beach...which I might do. Anyhoo...a long drive (not for me!!) and a few hectic days then back home. Then.

Get myself together..take a month off chorus...go through dad's stuff at storage...cycling as well...settling down.

Tara

Here we go again

Well, as promised....here is my new post. I guess the reason I have not been on for a long time is that some momentous events have been taking place...taking me away from my lap top and then not having a very reliable internet service as well.

What has been happening? Well:-

1. Dad being ill...up and down the road
2. Dad passing away...down the road...up and down clearing the house and putting into storage
3. Work and family life
4. Being dumped and kicked out
5 Made homeless by 4. and having to deal with that.

What a crap 5 months I am having but can only hope that this is it now. Pain and freed go hand in hand at this point in time and I am still trying to move the big stuff out of the house and keep calm and keep away from Caroline. I will discuss later!!!

Dad

My God...what happened there? A "virus" as the doctor stated..until he fell out of the bed as he was so emaciated and disorientated...then it was all guns blazing and into hospital...ime glad he is out of there....change over of staff...no one knows what the previous notes were so couldn't tell us anything....then moved from one ward to another for "investigation. Results started coming back saying cancer and we were to go to the hospital to have a meeting with the consultant...apparently well spread through dad...why did the GP not think about this?...but then by that time it was too late...over a period of 24 ours he rapidly declined and we were told to get to the hospital...one quick drive down the road and I made it...what a state!!!...it was clear he wasn't going to make it...even the night staff that came on were distraught..what a change....all I can say is I am glad I made it in time...even though the image will stay with me for the rest of my life.....I would not have had it any other way......the whole situation was intense...afterwards was just running around for certificates...arranging meetings..going through the mounds of paperwork for me and for mum..so much dross it was unbelievable...but you couldn't ignore anything as in amongst all of it was some precious documentation and personal stuff too....what a chore...but I did it against serious crap in the background..I did it for dad and for myself...to hell with what anyone else thinks!

From then on it was arranging vans of all sorts and storage to put all the stuff into. If it wasn't for the flexibility of work and help of friends and colleagues I would never have been able to do it..and of course...my now ex partner. 3 months of my life totally absorbed by the project...cos that is what it is...a fecking project and no less!! I always thought the worst thing about a death the emotional side of things...how naive....the logistics are the worst..I think the emotional side of things is sorted...he isn't here in body but definitely in spirit and beside me all the time..I wonder what he would make of the recent happenings...I am glad he is not here in body...he would be worried and very upset. Anyhoo...mum has the house....Louise has her stuff from the house and I have a huge storage room to work though...9 trays of books and vids and cds are already at Cancer Research...but still so much left behind!!!

...just back from doing a show,,,that was difficult..started off with some crappy slow songs as I had brought masel down with thinking too much...Michelle texted and told me to pick up beat songs....which I did...but then she said they were too loud!!!!...ah well...nice to have someone to tell you that. Miss my texts at the end of a show saying it was good...and going home...but hey...that is done now.

Managed to figure how to rip cds to my external hard drive rather than the pc hard drive...which means I can rip dad's cds and then put them to cancer research....which I have done today....ripped that is.

I am going to go now....what a week...I have an appointment at 8 am tomorrow then a consultant coming up from Perth for 2 days....hurrah!!!

Tara

Still here

i am still here....so much has happened....more than some might know...will upddate as soon as I can.

Keep the faith