Why?...in Russia?...well....thnks for looking!!
Everyone is telling me to "man up" regarding my knee..but it is bad...well....deep....and I still haven't been to the pool or the gym...hey ho...gotta look after myself...tomorrow I will tidy up all the crap I have left in the office....over the years...and sort it out..long time coming.....I feel the need to tidy up these loose ends...in time for February...and move on..no...that is wrong...not move on...just reach a natural point....and I fell I will.
Tara.
Saturday, 28 January 2012
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Music
Another post on the same day...well..short of time this am.
I was called into Kitty yesterday...told to change over vehicles...I thought it would be a swap at the lease company..nay nay and thrice nay...I turned up..the guy said "you're taking away a fleet car"..."eh..I am?"..and so it was...I went out the car park and clicked the key at a tipper van...no...and then at a Connect...no...walked a bit further...OH MY FECKING GOD!!!..they bastards have given me a corporate Ford Feckin Fiesta estate thing!!!..damn, blast and hellfire!!!...I had to squeeze everything in and make a run to Lochinch to empty some if I was to pick up my Wednesday volunteer...and a weird feeling came over me...no not a reaction to the canary yellow of the Council Colours...strange.
Thoughts later. That particular van I had. I had spent more time in it and around Aberdeen than I had with partners..and through many situations with partners....it was that very van that took me at speed to Fife as dad lay dying..hanging on...and then letting go when I got there...all down to that van...it was the constant in my life...it moved me from place to place...sometimes at leisure and sometimes not. Almost fitting at the first anniversary...and at a new year...to leave my longest suffering partner behind. And then the other side...after all this time...to be part of the team..or at least to have it made plain...to wear the colours....albeit in a shitty van which most definitely is not fit for purpose...it was nice...but even within the corporate colours...still reflected who was driving it...a year older than the Combo...battered and scratched and scruffy...but still going..that is me.
A weird thing that...changing over a vehicle...why should it mean so much...well..I guess it does for me.
I have a greater sense again of the importance of music for me and how the lack of access affected me before. I have been given some vinyl by a colleague and am reading up on DJ'ing...while listening to some old cd's...my lifeblood...whether or not I go down that road is to be decided...money...always money...if it doesn't happen...at least I have some cracking vinyl..proper bo!!!!
I am aware that there is aomething bubbling below....and I assume it is to do with dad...maybe not...and defintiely not a dangerous undercurrent...maybe it is the fear of someone letting go and seeing the future with all it's possibilities....I thing that may be it...but we shall see as time goes on.
Job wise..it is so complicated I have lost track of all the permutations...money owed...money committed...money to be committed..blah blah..but I have been told to carry on as normal..that money owed will not matter and all will be well...serious commitment from the top...and they are coming to us for work!!! Settling down...well...maybe.
Tara
I was called into Kitty yesterday...told to change over vehicles...I thought it would be a swap at the lease company..nay nay and thrice nay...I turned up..the guy said "you're taking away a fleet car"..."eh..I am?"..and so it was...I went out the car park and clicked the key at a tipper van...no...and then at a Connect...no...walked a bit further...OH MY FECKING GOD!!!..they bastards have given me a corporate Ford Feckin Fiesta estate thing!!!..damn, blast and hellfire!!!...I had to squeeze everything in and make a run to Lochinch to empty some if I was to pick up my Wednesday volunteer...and a weird feeling came over me...no not a reaction to the canary yellow of the Council Colours...strange.
Thoughts later. That particular van I had. I had spent more time in it and around Aberdeen than I had with partners..and through many situations with partners....it was that very van that took me at speed to Fife as dad lay dying..hanging on...and then letting go when I got there...all down to that van...it was the constant in my life...it moved me from place to place...sometimes at leisure and sometimes not. Almost fitting at the first anniversary...and at a new year...to leave my longest suffering partner behind. And then the other side...after all this time...to be part of the team..or at least to have it made plain...to wear the colours....albeit in a shitty van which most definitely is not fit for purpose...it was nice...but even within the corporate colours...still reflected who was driving it...a year older than the Combo...battered and scratched and scruffy...but still going..that is me.
A weird thing that...changing over a vehicle...why should it mean so much...well..I guess it does for me.
I have a greater sense again of the importance of music for me and how the lack of access affected me before. I have been given some vinyl by a colleague and am reading up on DJ'ing...while listening to some old cd's...my lifeblood...whether or not I go down that road is to be decided...money...always money...if it doesn't happen...at least I have some cracking vinyl..proper bo!!!!
I am aware that there is aomething bubbling below....and I assume it is to do with dad...maybe not...and defintiely not a dangerous undercurrent...maybe it is the fear of someone letting go and seeing the future with all it's possibilities....I thing that may be it...but we shall see as time goes on.
Job wise..it is so complicated I have lost track of all the permutations...money owed...money committed...money to be committed..blah blah..but I have been told to carry on as normal..that money owed will not matter and all will be well...serious commitment from the top...and they are coming to us for work!!! Settling down...well...maybe.
Tara
Anniversary
Well...time is drawing in and the date comes closer...of dad's death. I am pretty stable about it and seem to be coping better than anyone else...why?..not overly sure about that...but I am and that is a comfort. Although...slightly "off" feeling...sniffles...run down when I have no reason to be...this could of course be the ME but I doubt it...you keep thinking back to..."this happened on this day or that day"...but I try and stop that as there is no point. He is gone and we all have to live with it. The house is transferred over on Friday so that will be that...a bigger wrench for mum than me I think...but I am just happy someone is moving in. It shouldn't be empty...it should be a buzzing family home...which I hope it will be.
I intend to hire a car and go down there on that weekend but visit the grave on the way back up the road...maybe go to the church on the Sunday before visiting the grave...we shall see...I am led to believe the gravestone will be there but it matters not to me either way...I just like sitting in the car and listening to the sounds...just like the back garden. Nice.
I have not been able to go to the gym this week...or the pool should I say...as I mentioned I have been feeling a bit rough...was feeling guilty then gave myself a talking to..the gym/pool is there for me to use when I want to...and I knew there would be times I did not or could not...so just chill and look after yourself. In addition, I tripped up on Friday and skinned my knee.,...was quite deep so have a big lump of a scab on it...not good for the pool...definitely not good for cross trainers...thing is..I haven't been to the gym since my induction!!!...ah well...a balance between fitness and pampering...I prefer the swimming anyway.
I am glad I joined though. Is really nice...lots of posers but I just ignore them.
Better go to work.
Tara
I intend to hire a car and go down there on that weekend but visit the grave on the way back up the road...maybe go to the church on the Sunday before visiting the grave...we shall see...I am led to believe the gravestone will be there but it matters not to me either way...I just like sitting in the car and listening to the sounds...just like the back garden. Nice.
I have not been able to go to the gym this week...or the pool should I say...as I mentioned I have been feeling a bit rough...was feeling guilty then gave myself a talking to..the gym/pool is there for me to use when I want to...and I knew there would be times I did not or could not...so just chill and look after yourself. In addition, I tripped up on Friday and skinned my knee.,...was quite deep so have a big lump of a scab on it...not good for the pool...definitely not good for cross trainers...thing is..I haven't been to the gym since my induction!!!...ah well...a balance between fitness and pampering...I prefer the swimming anyway.
I am glad I joined though. Is really nice...lots of posers but I just ignore them.
Better go to work.
Tara
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Trying
...trying to make changes in my life...bought a wok and some veg....going to try and get back onto the stir fry thing rather than toast..or beans....that and the swimming...which I must say I am enjoying...well...definitely the jacuzzi!!..all about self worth and allowing it to happen..so we shall see what happens.
Just back from Perth...stayed overnight...met a friend...not for as long as we thought....but her mother is not well..so...it was nice to chill out for a few hours...but I still went with the expectation of being on my own...why?...to leave myself to the whim of chance and experience what may happen...I spent a lot of time back in my old haunts...some of which I had forgotten how crazy they were....and the hotel which was a bit "tired"...but then I walked around town taking pics and then up to the bus stop on the outskirts of town...nice bit of exercise..then walked from bus station here to the car...and tidied up....so lots of experiences which were all fine. Bit of a fright when I turned the corner to the hotel at the end of the night to find swathes of teenagers outside and inside...blimey....the girls don't wear many clothes these days do they?....ayes ahead of course...then up to my room...the party went on for a bit but it shut down after a while.
Still not feeling an increase on fitness but I do seem perkier...less recovery time....I guess my progress will be less than others...trying to increase benefits through diet as well...beer still on the go but should be less.
Early start tomorrow as I need to drop some binoculars off at a school....then to the office...sort some stuff out...then to Sunnybank Park where I should see Grace pass with flying colours at Forest School..which will be a nice feeling...not just cos she is a volunteer...cos I think we both feel....had she been a few years younger....well...who knows...
Closer and closer to dad's anniversary...trying to decide if I want to go to Fife or leave them to "move on"...it is not stressing me but I know it is there...what to do?...think I might go down on the Saturday...then visit on the way back up..need to hire a car though...so I guess the money may come into it...spent a lot over the last 6 weeks....hhmmmm. Not even sure if the headstone is up or not...sure mum would have told me.
Positive and in control. Good.
Tara
Just back from Perth...stayed overnight...met a friend...not for as long as we thought....but her mother is not well..so...it was nice to chill out for a few hours...but I still went with the expectation of being on my own...why?...to leave myself to the whim of chance and experience what may happen...I spent a lot of time back in my old haunts...some of which I had forgotten how crazy they were....and the hotel which was a bit "tired"...but then I walked around town taking pics and then up to the bus stop on the outskirts of town...nice bit of exercise..then walked from bus station here to the car...and tidied up....so lots of experiences which were all fine. Bit of a fright when I turned the corner to the hotel at the end of the night to find swathes of teenagers outside and inside...blimey....the girls don't wear many clothes these days do they?....ayes ahead of course...then up to my room...the party went on for a bit but it shut down after a while.
Still not feeling an increase on fitness but I do seem perkier...less recovery time....I guess my progress will be less than others...trying to increase benefits through diet as well...beer still on the go but should be less.
Early start tomorrow as I need to drop some binoculars off at a school....then to the office...sort some stuff out...then to Sunnybank Park where I should see Grace pass with flying colours at Forest School..which will be a nice feeling...not just cos she is a volunteer...cos I think we both feel....had she been a few years younger....well...who knows...
Closer and closer to dad's anniversary...trying to decide if I want to go to Fife or leave them to "move on"...it is not stressing me but I know it is there...what to do?...think I might go down on the Saturday...then visit on the way back up..need to hire a car though...so I guess the money may come into it...spent a lot over the last 6 weeks....hhmmmm. Not even sure if the headstone is up or not...sure mum would have told me.
Positive and in control. Good.
Tara
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Almost there!!
Well..in an attempt to keep my pals relationship together...and the fact I would rather not do it!!....I am having help back in to give the bedroom a final paint. Once that is done and my new hoover..which I can now buy this morning...has been around the place...all that remains is the garden stuff to be burned...which should be next weekend..if the weather holds.
Then an electrician in to look at the fuse board..lights and smoke detector.
Almost where I wanted to be at this time.
Good.
Then an electrician in to look at the fuse board..lights and smoke detector.
Almost where I wanted to be at this time.
Good.
Monday, 2 January 2012
A New Year
Piffle!!
Not decorating today....that will be for Stuart...as I am off to the gym...and lunch with a friend....then I have to upgrade the phone....contract...nervy about these direct debits adding up...but again...if it prioritises quality of life over beer then all the better. This "fear" of direct debits and potential financial doom..I think they come from dad and a working class background...he always paid in cash and fretted about bills....I know there was a long time of struggle BUT there was a long time where there was not but he still did it. I think a spreadsheet will do the job.....so....deep breath..relax..and on you go.
Not a new attitude for a new year.....just a slightly modified one.
Tara
Not decorating today....that will be for Stuart...as I am off to the gym...and lunch with a friend....then I have to upgrade the phone....contract...nervy about these direct debits adding up...but again...if it prioritises quality of life over beer then all the better. This "fear" of direct debits and potential financial doom..I think they come from dad and a working class background...he always paid in cash and fretted about bills....I know there was a long time of struggle BUT there was a long time where there was not but he still did it. I think a spreadsheet will do the job.....so....deep breath..relax..and on you go.
Not a new attitude for a new year.....just a slightly modified one.
Tara
Sunday, 1 January 2012
2012
Here we are and happy new year!!!
This holiday has been far from that,....well...maybe...a good mix of resting and thinking and doing and drinking!!! With the help of a friend's partner the kitchen is almost done...the living room is....the hall is except a wee bitty causing a problem but we will get there...and then the bedroom....get rid of that blood red colour!!!..and the spare room?...stripped back with built in wardrobe destroyed...anything recyclable has been taken up to the office for use as planter covers...so a lot has been done...actually looking at that...quite a lot!! We are working on Monday to finish things off...fumes ahoy!!
So I have today to do nothing but potter about and tidy up....and the show tonight....just remembered that a few mins ago..could be doing without it but then...it is all about my music..and that's why I do it! Work on Monday in the flat then Tuesday off and back to work on Wednesday...boooooooo!!! Still have the garden waste to burn so hopefully we can get that done on Saturday.
Work is, as at today's date, only set until March this year...just the usual as usual.,....but there are moves to tie funding in to a 5 year project..which would be interesting and nice to have a base here and within the job as well...relaxing about the future for 5 years!! We shall see....whatever happens I do intend to strike a work life balance....having had the time to think I realised I had stopped doing long days and taking on extra work BUT I then realised I had simply crammed in those same extra things into a normal working day..putting pressure on me to complete more work with no extra time..what a div!!! So the plan is to be more realistic about it and to plan in order to do so. Lots of folk interested in volunteering but it takes a lot to put the show on the road....so need to get on top of that.
Also, had a look at personal life choices...what I invest my money in...too much in beer to be honest....and this will change....I am a member of the council gym system but I have decided to join...and indeed have...a very pricey gym. This is in order to increase the core strength and stamina for work and for me AND to look after myself/pamper myself....by using the pool, jacuzzi and steam room/sauna. Thursday and Friday will def be a jacuzzi day but the heat/massage will reduce the aches and pains I feel after a day out and about. I went in yesterday for a swim and jacuzzi....what a difference to have a shower and come out not feeling freezing..hurrah!!!! I did not take this on simply as a new year resolution...it has been a long time coming and I fully intend to keep it going. Anyway..it is very nice and I am sure lots of folk go as a kind of badge of social status,....but not for me!!!
As for personal life...well...saw the bells in in a bar with a friend....whisky in hand and a tear in the eye,.....raised a glass to dad.....the end of what can only be described as "traumatic" year...the illness..the death....the logistics....break ups and trauma...but there has also been good times in amongst that...but anyway....it was time to say goodbye to that year and I did. Dad wouldn't want us to linger over him in a negative way....so I intend to do that...move on in a positive way....and it may be more positive than could ever have been expected..but we shall see. I guess I just want a "normal" year...as normal as it gets for me....a boring year perhaps? I saw so many folks out last night...looking totally pissed off!!!?????..don't get it...if you are out...relax and enjoy...we did!
All pretty positive really....and I look forward to see what this year brings.
This holiday has been far from that,....well...maybe...a good mix of resting and thinking and doing and drinking!!! With the help of a friend's partner the kitchen is almost done...the living room is....the hall is except a wee bitty causing a problem but we will get there...and then the bedroom....get rid of that blood red colour!!!..and the spare room?...stripped back with built in wardrobe destroyed...anything recyclable has been taken up to the office for use as planter covers...so a lot has been done...actually looking at that...quite a lot!! We are working on Monday to finish things off...fumes ahoy!!
So I have today to do nothing but potter about and tidy up....and the show tonight....just remembered that a few mins ago..could be doing without it but then...it is all about my music..and that's why I do it! Work on Monday in the flat then Tuesday off and back to work on Wednesday...boooooooo!!! Still have the garden waste to burn so hopefully we can get that done on Saturday.
Work is, as at today's date, only set until March this year...just the usual as usual.,....but there are moves to tie funding in to a 5 year project..which would be interesting and nice to have a base here and within the job as well...relaxing about the future for 5 years!! We shall see....whatever happens I do intend to strike a work life balance....having had the time to think I realised I had stopped doing long days and taking on extra work BUT I then realised I had simply crammed in those same extra things into a normal working day..putting pressure on me to complete more work with no extra time..what a div!!! So the plan is to be more realistic about it and to plan in order to do so. Lots of folk interested in volunteering but it takes a lot to put the show on the road....so need to get on top of that.
Also, had a look at personal life choices...what I invest my money in...too much in beer to be honest....and this will change....I am a member of the council gym system but I have decided to join...and indeed have...a very pricey gym. This is in order to increase the core strength and stamina for work and for me AND to look after myself/pamper myself....by using the pool, jacuzzi and steam room/sauna. Thursday and Friday will def be a jacuzzi day but the heat/massage will reduce the aches and pains I feel after a day out and about. I went in yesterday for a swim and jacuzzi....what a difference to have a shower and come out not feeling freezing..hurrah!!!! I did not take this on simply as a new year resolution...it has been a long time coming and I fully intend to keep it going. Anyway..it is very nice and I am sure lots of folk go as a kind of badge of social status,....but not for me!!!
As for personal life...well...saw the bells in in a bar with a friend....whisky in hand and a tear in the eye,.....raised a glass to dad.....the end of what can only be described as "traumatic" year...the illness..the death....the logistics....break ups and trauma...but there has also been good times in amongst that...but anyway....it was time to say goodbye to that year and I did. Dad wouldn't want us to linger over him in a negative way....so I intend to do that...move on in a positive way....and it may be more positive than could ever have been expected..but we shall see. I guess I just want a "normal" year...as normal as it gets for me....a boring year perhaps? I saw so many folks out last night...looking totally pissed off!!!?????..don't get it...if you are out...relax and enjoy...we did!
All pretty positive really....and I look forward to see what this year brings.
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