Freedom and the Pain

Well,

This is possibly the most difficult post i have ever done. C and I have finished today. After a year of ups, downs, challenges and joy it has finally broke down.

The significant event was fuelled by extreme fatigue and lack of control. No excuses just explanations...did not behave as I should have really...and that I will always be sorry for. However, there were always the same issues in the back ground and it seemed doomed from then on.

I think it is difficult for anyone who does not suffer from ME or CFS to understand how bone deep the fatigue goes, it grinds away at your life force, it depresses you, it makes every movement a trial. It makes you world go grey. I have to admit, I was responsible for this lack of responsible behaviour to look after myself. However, I thought it was what was needed (over compensating?) to make things right. Working through illness and fatigue to make things happen and only making it worse. When I tried to explain this I was told i was wallowing in self pity..for all those CFS/ME sufferers, have you heard this before? I guess she was angry and I can't blame her for that. Maybe one day she shall know what it is like..I hope not.

As I say, my behaviour was not really acceptable and an over reaction to being pinged right in the nose wrought havoc and an end to our relationship. This was in no way her fault but mine. I would say that with fatigue comes a reduction in control measures but that doesn't really say it all.

Working hard for me...working hard on properties (sometimes I wonder of it all worth it to be honest) and paying money out left right and centre...working hard for her and the family...constant feeling of being disliked by he kids...who can blame them really...hard for them but the right thing for her to do..all pants really.

I know it can't work but I miss the texts from my pal...the person I spent the last 12 months working with, laughing with and crying with. Hard to look at the pics from those times as I remember the feelings at that time.

I am sure the pain will pass in time and I hope it does for her to. Plenty for me to think about moving on but right now it just isn't fun...and on my birthday as well..good timing Mr Bly...stop looking at the phone...there will be no more texts!!!...but I wish there would be...but I know it is best there isn't...but i wish there was....bother....what a bag of pants!!!!

Tara

Winter Approaches

Hey hey,

Just noticed it has been a long time since my last post. As usual, I have been pretty busy with work..yes....had to do some weekend work over he past month but it has stopped now...family lie as well..with all its trials and tribulations.

When I have not been work working I have been garen working...blimey.....the front garden is now finished..it took me and Jimmer a full 2 days to strip it back to the way C wanted it and then another day of frantic driving about (surreptitious tipper truck tipping during the week)..shovelling on and shovelling off...with wood chip to complete..plus a bit of painting as well. All done and all happy it would seem. also, the problem with the kids running through the front has been resolved..the work done to the low fencing and garden gives the place a more "looked after" vibe.

Another factor is that the tree squad...when i was trying to sneak in with a tipper of wood chip....came along and trimmed the lower branches of the trees at the back...we were worried the kids would think that was down to us..which I think it may have been...but there has been no trouble.

The search for funding has started again..actually...we have been trying to chivvy along the relevant parties for a while now...so we shall see what happens....2 days CSO....plus the remainder coming from SURF fund...whatever that is...will change where I focus my work on but hopefully not too much as my main work is in the north anyway. SURF have a lot of unallocated funds and are looking for projects to spend it on...so here's hoping.

I am about to leave for Forest School in Powys. These kids are never dressed appropriately and we have been lucky so far but I think it is about to run out. Cold, dark, windy and wet is the order of the day and I have a stinking cold..poo.

Well....i know it has been a short entry but I got to go.

tara.